I was born 11 days after my mother's 17th birthday. Despite the challenges, there's only one thing I

July 2024 ยท 4 minute read
2023-09-03T14:31:01Z

It's said that time heals all wounds, but I've found this untrue. My wound was uncovered by a non-skippable ad for a food delivery platform on heavy social media rotation. It begins with "I'm a single mother of five." Hearing those six words elicited a visceral response. I didn't know if this lady was single because of divorce, the death of a spouse, or by choice, but once, I yelled at the screen, "Why would you do that to those kids?" I realized my discomfort was caused by my experience of being raised by a single mother.

My mom was a teen mom

I was born 11 days after my mother's 17th Birthday. During that era, children born out of wedlock were labeled illegitimate, and the word bastard was often bantered about. Also, fathers weren't required to sign birth certificates then, so mothers could give their children any last name they desired.

Some of the single mothers in my community were part of a large extended family living in the same house where grandparents were often seen as the "parents" of everyone living there. Our small family consisted of my grandparents, my mother, and me. Unfortunately, my grandfather died when I was 7, so after his death, being the child of a single mother was more pronounced. 

My mother's job with the DMV found her working remotely in police precincts, renewing driver's licenses, and as a result, she had many male officers as friends. She also had female friends, but visits from the men raised questions and eyebrows from neighbors. I felt protected and safe inside our home, but once I stepped outside, I was subjected to the assumptions, opinions, and comments of others. Some of the more hurtful things I heard came from church members.

We had different last names

I created an elaborate tale to explain why my mother and I had different last names, which involved a marriage, a divorce, and a reclamation of her maiden name. At some point, I started saying my father had died in the Vietnam War to explain his absence, although he was alive and living 115 miles away. I believe my mother shared my shame as she never corrected anyone who addressed her as Miss or Mrs. Gaddis; her last name was Moore. I was reminded of this the first time I attended a back-to-school night at my youngest son's school. Although married, many professional women maintained their maiden names, but the child had the father's last name. This made matching nametags to the class rooster a little more challenging. Though I never did, I wanted to ask if having different last names created an issue for their child.

By high school, being from a single-parent household seemed not to matter any longer, but there are things I missed out on: I quit Cub Scouts because of the many father-son activities, I've never been fishing, I can't whistle with my fingers, and I had to teach myself how to tie a tie. If I could change anything about my childhood, I would have liked to have a sibling more than a two-parent household; having an ally makes tough times less so.

Leonardo DiCaprio, Selena Gomez, and Barrack Obama are all children raised by single mothers, and they, and countless others, me included, have thrived despite our family composition. 

Single-parent households have become quite common, and according to US Census data, 80%of the 11 million single-parent families with children under 18 are headed by single mothers. No matter what the family makeup is, we can never control what goes on outside of the home, but if the environment inside is nurturing, supportive, and loving, the kids will be just fine.

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